A complete failure. (long post)

Have you ever knew what you wanted to be when you were younger? But has it changed a few (hundred) times as you grew up? Well, I know how you feel.

I remember when I was asked for the first time, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". At that time I had know clue what I wanted to be, so I just said "A teacher." Then in 4th grade, we were asked the same question. We did a class project, it was a quilt mural, and each of our murals was what career we wanted in the the future. Everyone had a different square, someone wanted to be a doctor, a computer programmer, a vet, etc. Mine was, a fashion designer.

Then in the beginning of 6th grade I was contemplating what I wanted to do. So I had stuck with, Graphic Designer for a bit until 9th grade. I changed it to a Video Game Designer, or a Video Game Concept Artist. And I stuck with the idea of going into the video game industry for a long time. And I thought that it was set in stone.

On to Junior year, now I have to find out what college I wanted to go to, and decide what major I wanted that would lead to my career path. This was my, "Oh shit." moment. Because now I could no longer imagine and dream my future career. Now I had to CHOOSE it. I started to look up various career path. I still considered of going into the video game industry. But then I had to get the talk with my dad, and wow, was that stressful. I thought up of a lot of careers that I thought were interesting, but I just had something else on my mind. Would it financially support me? Would I enjoy it? I ask myself every question there was. And I still had no solid plan.

I thought of Physician, Pastry Chef, Cosmetic Surgeon, Photographer, Translator, Musician, Video Game Designer, Physician's Assistant, etc. Well then I thought, "Well, I'm screwed." Then eventually I chose Physician's Assistant, because they're sort of like doctors, less time in school compared to a regular Physician, and I can support myself. I thought that was set in stone as well. Then along came first term of college......I knew I wanted to change my majors, but NOW I have no clue what now.

Since finishing my first term of college, let's say that I'm not doing so hot, so far I got a C, and a D+. . WTF. Now I'm all depressed and all now. I'm just lost with myself. I always wished and hope that something would give me an obvious hint of what I should do with my life. And I always hoped that it would be my an answer. Never got it yet. I don't know what I want to do with myself. Now being depressed from learning that 2 out 4 of my classes that I'm not doing great. I'm just a lost soul not know what to do with herself. Now I have to hear this shit from my dad. I tried my hardest no lie. I just can't find my niche in life.

I'm just so lost...I might cry myself to sleep tonight.

I have several passions in my life. But those passions would turn into possible careers in the future...Until the passion dies down, and I pick up a new one.. What is wrong with me. I know that a lot of college students are the same like me, not know what to do with themselves. Some are jumping around majors, some in community college, some are undeclared majors... Now I'm just trying to find something that I'm happy with and that will support me financially in the future. But that's just asking too much... shit... Well I'm a complete failure.